Christmas Shopping for Dummies

Don't do it the week of Christmas. Dummy.

Did You Hear What Happened to Romeo?

Apparently, the dude offed himself when Juliet "died".

Now, I love Shakespeare. Anyone who knows me will confirm that. However, for people to say that this is the greatest love story to have ever been written? Well, that's just silly. This story is a tragedy. What's worse is when people want to compare their own love story to Romeo & Juliet. Especially these days.

The only people who can even, REMOTELY, compare themselves to Mr. Montague and Miss Capulet are kids who are in high school and here's why. Their relationships last about as long as R&J's did. They have way more rules placed on them by their parents; like R-Dog and J-Lady. Their relationships are about as deep as these two "love at first sight" fools. Romeo and Juliet had a relationship that lasted about a week and couldn't be anything more than a lusty, superficial desire for each other. I mean, seriously, when did they have time to get to know anything about each other?

Hey, Romeo, when is Juliet's birthday?

Juliet, how many women has Romeo slept with?

These are two, really simple, questions that neither of them would have known. And, lastly, after the relationship, inevitably, ends; they want to kill themselves. Romeo and Juliet were only high school kids, themselves, after all. If this is the greatest love story ever written then every kid in high school has already lived the greatest love story of their life. And you and I both know that's just not true. It's high school. It's petty. It's cruel. And it ends with the promise of greater things after it.

So, any of you out there who insist that you're Juliet and Bobby Blowjob down the street is Romeo, I immediatly demand you stop. You'll then find out either my address and/or phone number and I want a personal apology from you. Then! I want you to fly your happy ass to England, unless you already reside there or are there on holiday, find Shakespeare's place of rest and apologize to him for trivializing one of the greatest works of literature ever written.

Do this and maybe, MAYBE, I can find it in my heart to forgive you.

Def Poetry Jam

To fulfill one's destiny is like growing from child to adult
Neither road is easy to traverse, filled with heartache and sorrow
Forks in the road lead to dead-ends and unpassable
canyons; decrepit bridges cross tumultuous rapids and unspeakable
perils wait in the dark for those wandering too far off the righteous path,
while every turn is blind with no way of knowing what is lies ahead.
However, for those willing to make the trek and follow the
path of to self-enlightenment; the reward is everlasting.

Short Story 'lude #2

Tears were streaming down her face; coal black from the eyeliner and mascara that she always wears. Her thin, pointed nose was cherry red from her continually wiping away the dripping mess that was coming from both nostrils. Her, normally, cobalt blue eyes were a dull grey, puffy and smeared in a black warpaint. On most days, her chestnut hair was straightened down to the tops of her shoulders in a veil of perfection. Today, it was tangled and strewn around like she'd been standing in one of those machines that simulate a hurricane.

I used to think she was so pretty.

How people look on a daily basis, it isn't how they really look. It's all a facade; a masquerade designed to attract the right friends, to attract the right mate. It's been my experience that you only see how people really look in rare circumstances. The first is if they are sick and/or in the hospital. Most times people already feel so bad about themselves that they don't see the need to put on that mask. The second is if you break their heart. That's when the people we are become exposed for the entire world to see. The best is if you break their heart in public. Watching them try to stay composed and keep that wall up so the world stays out is worth any slanderous, derogatory and vindictive thing hurled in your direction. That's how this all started, actually.

Marie.

I used to think she was so pretty.

We met in a coffee shop. Pretty cliche' right? Like every other love story you hear about, we hit it off right away.
Laughing.
Flirting.
Fireworks.
Again, like every other love story, when we were together nothing else even mattered. Blown tire? Whatever. Lost job? Who cares. Shitty day at work? There's always tomorrow.

Everything was a paradise; flowing smoothly day in and day out. Then, one day, something changed. I can't even put my finger on what it was that changed but, everything was different. There was no laughing.
No flirting.
No fireworks.
I knew something had to be done about it so, I decided to be proactive. That's when she said it.

Leave me alone.
And
I don't love you, anymore.

That brings us back to the here and the now. That brings us back to why I'm sitting in my living room with Marie's blood staining itself into my hands and smeared across my face. That resolves the reason that Marie is propped up in the leather recliner across from me with her throat slit; bloody knife lying, shiny and crimson, on her lap and her head lulling to the side.

I used to think she was so pretty.

Recollections 2011

As we're winding down the clock on 2011 I figured that I would share with you, my faithful readers, some of the things that I've learned this year.

1: Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, some things just don't work out. And that's ok. What is important is making the effort.
2: It is NOT ok to pay for goods and/or services with gold pants.
3: People will forgive most anything if you're good at sports.
4: I have the potential to be a successful writer.
5: A majority of women only care about how a guy looks or how much money he makes.
6: Despite the increased accessability to knowledge, each generation gets dumber and dumber.
7: My generation was the last good generation.
8: People will only protest in a way that is convenient to them.
9: While a lot of people won't even work one job that they consider to be beneath them; I was able to work three.
10: There is nothing more important in life than having a group of great friends. They can get you through anything.

I've learned many, many more lessons. But, those can be saved for another day. Thanks for sticking with me, readers. It means a lot.